Healthy urges!

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I found myself particularly weak, confused, and a bit emotional this week. There are three triggers for me when this happens. I look at my nails where my thumb nails are slowly being corroded by chemo, my hair...its not bald but thin dry and half dead. My eyebrows are gone and I have dark rings under my eyes. This was the look I pictured way back in May. I was all to familiar with this look. It's very similar to one having been on a battlefield over a prolonged period of time. This is one of those times that my blog is therapy. I tried talking to my friend Louise last night but I think it hurts her too much to hear me talking about my down moments and how I have moments where I just want to cry. I long for healthy days that were taken for granted. Joining the rat race of working 9-5 and Friday 5-7's at Black Eagle and the Stud. I feel sorry for myself there's no question about it and I know I'm not allowed to do it but I believe its healthier to put it out there then to just leave it inside. I'm actually quite surprised I'm writing about this. I have 5 more chemo's to complete. This is the maximum dosage of chemo they prescribe for stage 3b Hodgkins where radiation treatment cannot be engaged since the cancer is all over the place. I've asked myself now what is life going to be like after this is over? One of my fellow chemo buddies is experiencing all the same downs I am. Painful legs, weakened legs, muscles are like rubber and hurt all over, and the ever favorite electrical shocks that you get to your joints. Misery loves company. We both were actually in the hospital as well for reactions to chemo. My right lung still hurts when I sneeze or lay a certain way. I wanted to get out tonight and see people. It's been a good 6-8 weeks since I've been out. My energy level is still not the greatest but I'm tempted to deb-och have a couple of drinks and just try and forget about the sick world I live in right now. When I spoke with my nurse today she encouraged me to change my doctor if I am that uncomfortable. It was nice to know that option was available to me at this hospital.

I really think I should dry and get my ass out. Although this is not a healthy urge since alcohol will be consumed but both the doctors and nurses said this was allowed in moderation. Maybe it will change this head space. Self-conscious of hair, eyebrows and nails and freakin gay men...might not be wise but I'm a tough bitch...what the hell!!

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Chemo #11

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Went to the doctor for my monthly check up. I have resigned myself to the fact that my doctor is a quack. He asked how I was doing but it seemed to fall to deaf ears as I listened to him talk about the brand new equipment that smaller hospitals get before a big schwanky hospital like his. To be honest with you it took a lot for me to just get there. My energy level has dipped to an all time low and I woke up with diarrhea. I waited three hours to see my doctor whom I listened to his rant about hospital equipment. I also needed to get a refill on my pain medication, that was another "what planet are you on?" rave about the amount of pain killers I am taking and that he would not want anyone to question his dosage.(reputation) (this was about him not me) I personally won't be traveling anywhere in this shape, the furthest I get to go is Brossard and I have to be in really good shape for that. In any case he talked about being in a hospital in Quebec City or Drummondville and them questioning the dosage I am on. I told him I have been to emergency three times regarding my pain and all the doctors I saw in emergency said the same thing, I'm on a low dose and have plenty of room and not to worry about pain. This was my window of opportunity to tell him that we don't see eye to eye and it may be best for me to change to a doctor that I can understand better. I was so wiped out and it took a lot of energy for my to just get out what I did. Trust me I think this is the lowest I've hit yet in between chemo's but considering the stage of chemo I'm at its normal. God forbid I was having pain or I probably would have lost it. Thats the rough part of doing these things alone. I had to have my pharmacist call him so he could confirm my dose. He didn't want to believe me at all. I again was to tired to fight him and just had the pharmacy call him to do my prescription renewals. It turned out to be much simpler that way. He was not at all sympathetic to my wiped out look. I just wanted to get out of there and go home to bed.


Tomorrow will be chemo number 11 and the next three days I'll be on cortisone steroid drugs which means a big pick me up and I'm usually back in the pink for a few days before a slow downhill crash. My nails still look horrible and are constant reminders of the toxic chemicals I am having poured into my body. I'm just thankful that we are nearing the end. I am sure tomorrows post although short will be of a completely different energy then today. I should be well energized by early tomorrow afternoon. A few things I noticed today when I was at the hospital. There are people that roam the hospital without a mask on who are coughing germs into the air. In general the number of people that are wearing masks in the hospital has increased. It is disappointing to me one that has a low immune system see people being stupid enough to be coughing their germs in the middle of the oncology center where anyone taking chemo is immune compromised. Pride winning over the good old common sense towards health. If your coughing of have a runny nose for the comfort of others please wear a mask.

Despite how shitty I feel I'm still optimistic and since I'm somewhat nearing the finish line I take time now to thank my higher power that I get a second chance. There are people out there that don't have the options I have, whose treatment is wreaking havoc in their bodies because the cancer is winning them out. It is of those people that I think to myself that life is OK....hey if you're in a position today pass along a smile to someone and wait for it to come back.

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Chemo #11 approach

Geez, the last two days have been weird. Like a huge pendulum swing. I had more days of insomnia then I care to talk about, but I take that as the norm since I was like that before the cancer. I knew that the last part of my chemo was going to see me facing fatigue but I didn't dream it would be like this. Talk about exhaustion! I'm sure the last few weeks have caught up along with the toxicity in my system I'm way energy low. I have made sure to keep my eating habits up at least. Friday will chemo#11 I'm quite sure that with chemo #13 my cancer will be reduced to nothing. In case its not obvious I've started to get anxious for the end which is in sight. I've been freaked by the appearance of my nails too. The thumb nails I may still lose. That was a side effect that freaked me out big time when I noticed people with their hands on ice while they were getting their chemo. I later found out from a fellow cancer patient that it was to prevent nails from falling out. I hope I'll be able to salvage mine with only two months left. I have my monthly check up with my oncologist on Wednesday. This period of time has been quiet for me. I guess after having been hospitalized things are meant to be calm.
Off to bed.